Folded and Shaped into Something New

Romans 12:2- Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

This verse is one of the verses I am seeing in action in my life here in Namibia. I am definitely being tested every day. I am a slow learner when it comes to following God, but I am taking little steps here and there. For example, not 40 minutes ago, my key broke off in my door. My window became my only entry and exit point. 20 minutes later, my window locked…from the inside. I am officially locked out of my hut. I don’t have the right things for work…such as my shoes.

At first, I was just like “Oh, great! Another sucky thing to happen to me and put me in a bad mood.” However, as I was walking to the clinic, I thought to myself “C.J., why aren’t you thankful for everything else that God has done for you?” It may be an inconvenience and a hassle to figure out how to get the door open, but a locked door is nothing when thinking about the love that God has shown me. I still have my health, food, friends, family, etc. It’s this type of transformed thinking that has become more prevalent in the last month or so BECAUSE of the challenges.

I have changed a lot since I came to Namibia, and the change has not always been the most comfortable process. One of the biggest ways I have changed is in regard to friendships and meeting new people. Back in the States, I was always “that guy” who everyone knew. I was the guy who remembered everyone’s name. I bounced around to visit several different people a day. During the first days of each year in college, I would go out and meet around 100 people a day, and remember ALL of their names later. I would always choose to hang out with a huge crowd, or a big group of people.

I am not sure whether this part of me has changed or just adapted appropriately and is waiting for the right moment to pop up again. There have been a few times where I have seen myself act differently than I would have back in the states. There have been a few Peace Corps Volunteer get-togethers, where there were 10-30 PCVs. I was shocked to find how I didn’t enjoy myself as much as I usually do in a large group of people. There was a going away party for Group 34 at Guest House Bavaria in Rundu. Nearly 50 people showed up. We rented the house on the property. I found myself walking back and forth between the house and the pool area. I did this many times. I realized later that I was looking for something, and I feel that something was a place where I would feel the friendship that I miss. I ended up spending most of my time in the house with about five other people. I was happier there than with the huge crowd. We were supposed to spend the night there, but I realized that I wanted to hang out with my Rundu host family more than all of the people at the party. It is shocking, even to me that I ended up leaving the party, only telling a few people, and going back to my place. When I got to my family’s place, I felt good. Another example of how I have changed is I always used to stay at one of the Group 34’s places in Rundu. I started to live with a Namibian family when the new group came. I always thought I came to Rundu for the PCVs, but after the lodging switch, I realized I almost preferred to be by myself. Now, I only see PCVs in the PC office in passing.

All of this is to say that I am getting used to being alone, and I am changing because of it. I talked about it with one of my close friends here. I realized that this change freaked/freaks me out because it is taking me into unknown territory. I am not comfortable with the change. I was (am) worried that when I go back to the states, my old self won’t come back out. My friend had some amazing words to tell me. She said I seemed afraid of the unknown. She said “it’s scary because you have defined yourself by how many names you’ve memorized and how many ‘friends’ you have.” Back in the states, I felt I always had to entertain…if I am not as entertaining as I was, I have a fear that no one will be my friend.

Feeling like I have to entertain to have friends is a bad idea. I may not be comfortable with the changes, yet, but I realized that God has a plan. I came to this realization after the talk with my good friend. God is taking what I saw as my identity and transforming and renewing it into something better. I don’t know where it is leading, but the unknown is not scary to God at all. Some of this change is shown by how I don’t feel as hurt when I am not invited to things. A lot of the time I would rather be by myself. I still believe I am that same, enthusiastic, fun guy from back in the States, but I am more tempered and wise than I was before. Thanksgiving weekend was a good example of how I am still my old self. A new friend brought me out of my shell, and it was really encouraging to see myself actually enjoy meeting a new FRIEND, not just an acquaintance.  

Another way I have changed for the better is that I don’t care what people think about me as much anymore. I have had to grow a thick skin. I was criticized so much for different character traits in my first several months of PC Service that I found myself depressed and soul searching what was wrong with me. It wasn’t fun, but I finally came to realize that not everyone in the world will be your friend (which I once thought was possible). I am okay with people not liking me. The only way I will change something now is if God reveals it to me. This new change is good and a little worrying too. It is good because I don’t get depressed anymore because of a negative comment or judgment someone made. It is bad because I feel the change is a partial defense mechanism to not get hurt.

There are many more ways that I have changed, such as appreciating things I never was appreciative of before (electricity, a car, knowing cultural norms). I have the ability and maturity to travel in Namibia, in the middle of nowhere, and know how to handle myself. I can make work for myself when there is nothing to do (this is still one of the hardest things to do). All of these changes show how God has been testing me, and transforming my mind and soul into something new. Although it is difficult, I am deeply thankful for the growth I am going through. 

Anyways, here are some pictures of Rundu.

Just Existing? Surviving vs. Thriving

In my last post, I said the true reason behind my inactivity on this blog is because I have just not felt like writing. I think my lack of interest in writing is connected to the emotions I have been feeling in the last few months, which is the subject of this post. There is a thing called the “Peace Corps Roller Coaster.” I will refer to it as the PCRC. The PCRC is the emotional journey of a Peace Corps Volunteer. The PCRC illustrates the high points and low points of Peace Corps Service. Currently, and for a few months before this, I have been on a low point. It took me awhile to realize that I was on the downslope of the PCRC. I think it started a week or two before Reconnect, in mid-October. Since that time, I have experienced several different emotions. The first and most prominent feeling has been that I just “exist” here. What I mean by just “existing” is that it is very rare that anything exciting happens or that I am excited for anything. I may look forward to something, but looking forward means I will be happy when the time comes. It doesn’t mean it will be super exciting when it happens, whether it’s a vacation or an event or something. Vacations and things that would normally get people excited are just distractions from my real life.

It is almost always the same routine every day of the week. I go to work to take weight and temperatures; go back to my office; prep for clubs; then go to my two clubs I have in the week (I have other random projects that change). One of the problems is I do not have the passion that I want for my projects. I have struggled with passion for a long time, not just in Peace Corps. I am trying things out to find what I like, but I have not found it here…yet. Every day, I just want to get to the end of it, just so the next day can end and I can go to town or another place, which is something I look forward to. The daily thing I like is going home and sitting and reading outside my hut, when it is not as hot outside as it is in the day. However, daily life comes with WAY more challenges than things that make me feel alive or as if I am thriving.  

I felt I was thriving nearly every day in the States for several years of my life. Granted, I was not into the real “work” part of my career, as I had just graduated from my Master’s Degree program six months before I came to Namibia. I lived with my parents for those six months. Most days seemed to have something to look forward to, whether it was a class I was really excited to have; an event that I was going to; the college service at church; hanging with friends; going on an adventure; meeting new people; working out; playing computer games online; learning a new song on the guitar; hanging with my family; or enjoying a tasty meal. I could do a few of those things here, but it does not feel the same in any way, shape, or form.

Because of how things are, I feel I just exist here. Going even further, I feel that I am just surviving. Life is good overall, but challenging (don’t assume that “good overall” always means fun, exciting, or easy). However, daily life consumes so much energy, which lets one’s body get stressed easily. It takes so much energy to just get through the day. Some of the ways life is “hard” are as follows: being several thousand kilometers away from the US and my friends and family; eating unfamiliar foods; living in a hut; not having electricity, running water, a shower, a flush toilet, a comfortable bed, internet, etc.; dealing with a polar opposite work ethic from the States; not having resources or supplies to do projects; cultural misunderstandings; having to wait for hours to get transport while it pours rain on you and your hiking backpack; and much more. Because of all these challenges I feel I just push through, endure every day, and believe I will survive. It seems more of a long, grueling race and the only focus is to finish.  

Another topic that is connected to my survival thoughts is the issue of friendship. Peace Corps has been a huge growing experience for me and, as I mentioned, offers many challenges. I have changed a lot. I do not automatically classify everyone as my friend anymore. I used to classify someone as my friend after one meeting. Now it is more about the feelings and bonds I have with someone. At this time in my service, I feel I have a TINY number of friends. To make matters more difficult, I see the tiny number of friends every few months or less. I think I have only been truly lonely two times in my life. The first time was when I was little and we moved from Chicago to my parent’s current home in California. The other time is now. One of the reasons that I have very few friends is because of how different everyone in the Peace Corps is. We may share some common values or characteristics, but, after that, there is a myriad of different world perspectives. For example, in my group, the three younger guys could not be much more different. There is low-income, middle-income, and high-income. There is Christian, Jewish, and Buddhist (along with a few others). There is a rough and tumble guy who grew up on the tough streets and managed to stay out of trouble. Another is a privileged, ambitious guy who grew up in a very nice neighborhood. The last is a guy whose Father was a Pastor and who always followed the rules. The three guys are all from different political beliefs: Republican, Moderate, and Democrat.

Diversity is great, and I think it is important to have a diverse group of friends. However, diversity does NOT mean you will automatically “click” with someone and become friends. This is the case for me here. In fact, it is not just the case for me, but the case for many other PCVs whom I have discussed this issue with. For example, I love movie nights, game nights, and long conversations. I love encouraging people and making them feel special. I am not into having sex, drinking heavily, etc. Fyi, this is not a judgment; I am just showing how I enjoy different things from other PCVs. From what I hear from other people about Peace Corps worldwide, one of the main things that PCVs do together is drink. I still enjoy hanging around my PCV friends at the get-togethers, but if I were to have the choice, I’d choose a game night with good food or random adventures over a party. Also, there is that special “X” factor that can make you “click” with someone, but you don’t know what it is. For example, I have friends back home who are into things that I don’t do or think are right, but I click with them so well! I could use some more of those friendships here.

This Thanksgiving weekend made me realize how much I miss friendships like I had in the states. I had a good time with all the PCVS, but there was one person who I clicked with, in particular, and the person made my weekend amazing. I felt my old self coming back and getting excited about meeting people and making new friends again. Although making this new friend made me realize how lonely I am, I think that God used it as a way to give me encouragement, hope, and belief that He will provide the right friends in the future for me. It is really interesting how much seemingly small, spontaneous occurrences can have so much of an impact.

Finally, the last issue that has contributed to me feeling that I am just existing/surviving here is that I am homesick. For the longest time I did not want to admit it, but finally I realized that homesickness just looks different than I thought it would. I had the belief that it was a weakness. I do not have that belief anymore; I just do not like being homesick. It would definitely be nice if my family could come visit, but that won’t happen unless God works a miracle (which I know he could).

One thing that is helping me get through this period is that these feelings are pretty common for Peace Corps Volunteers. This low point on the Peace Corps Roller Coaster is expected, but does not last forever. I believe this is true and look forward to reaching the top of the roller coaster.

In summary of the aforementioned writing, I am not used to just “existing” or “surviving,” and it is proving a big challenge. This post may sound like a less than positive one, but it is what it is. I can’t change how I’m feeling and I want to give an accurate depiction of how I am currently feeling in my Peace Corps Service. Honestly, overall, I AM very thankful I am here. I didn’t come here for an easy time. I came here for an experience which I knew would challenge me more than ever before. I grow through challenge much faster than I do in the good times. My most important goal in coming here was to grow. I am even THANKFUL for the challenges. Seriously, I have said several times recently that I am thankful to God for the challenges. He also has left me with many other things to be thankful for. I have food, shelter, good health, intelligence, amazing family and friends, wonderful opportunities to have new experiences, prospects, the ability to help others, freedom from past struggles, etc. Another thing that these challenges have done for me is made me more empathetic with the majority of the people in the world who have to fight for survival every day. I am NOT saying I know what their survival is like in having to fight for food, safety, health, etc. I have more of a new perspective about emotional survival. I can understand how people, who have no prospects of a job or a better life, would engage in risky behavior. This lesson of empathy is something I would not have understood more if I had stayed in the comfortable, relatively easy life of a typical American. I appreciate the small things much more.

I know that God is using all these challenges to shape me into the person He wants me to be. That is what I strongly desire. I also want these lessons for myself so that I can be a better Christian, a better worker, a better person, a good husband (one of the highest priorities for me), a better friend, etc. I hope this blog post gives more clarity into some of the struggles I am going through. It has been therapeutic enough for me to make it worth it! I hope to write again soon! 

A Two Month Recap

Hello to all my lovely blog readers. It has been quite a while since I have posted any blogs. I think the last one was the week of September 21-27 (Wow, I didn’t realize it had been THAT long).  I will fess up to the true reason for not blogging; I just did not feel like writing anything. I also write a daily journal entry, and I am close to 95,000 words after only 8.5 months of Peace Corps Service. First, I want you to know that I will probably not be writing about my daily life anymore, and I will probably not post every week. The positive side is that I plan to write posts about interesting topics or updates on my life. I may even put up pictures to illustrate what I am talking about. This blog is snapshot of what I have been up to for the last few months.

My health club watching a movie.

It is crazy, and somewhat surreal, to think that I have been here for, as of the posting date of this blog update, 8 months, 2 weeks, and 6 days (I think). Time has flown by faster than I ever thought it would. A lot has happened, and a lot has NOT happened the last few months. I won’t go into detail about everything, but I wanted to mention the noteworthy events. My mpora family got two puppies, but one died because someone in the family broke both of the male puppy’s back legs. I have been truly fortunate to have another family in Rundu who have, in essence, adopted me. They are simply wonderful. They let me stay at their place all weekend; feed me; and take me places. A friend from the States bought me a mini-fridge for my office because I needed to start cooking on my own. My host father in Rundu was going to Windhoek and was so generous as to buy me one and transport it the 7 hour drive to my village. I went to the Group 34 Going-away Party. There were probably 50 people there at a house we rented, which had a pool attached, as well as a bar. I stopped my Grade 6 Grassroots Soccer Club due to their lack of understanding English, a bad venue, a bad time, and not enough preparation on my part. One of my Mpora host brothers has a tumor in his brain, but, at the time of this post, 1.75 months later, he still has not been seen by the specialist in Windhoek.

Burning the brush to clear the field for plowing season!

Neighbors plowing their field.

One of my host brothers!

A VERY important development was that I can now wash my clothes at my friend’s place in their WASHER (very big deal haha). I have been teaching Life Skills for Grade 5, 6, and 7. I have had a successful weekly health club with Grade 7s, as well as having a successful Grade 7 Grass Roots Soccer Club. I bought an electric hot plate and have started to cook things, mostly lentils, but, hey, it’s a huge step for me! We had our second part of Reconnect in Omaruru at the end of October. We learned how to do permagardens, a specialized gardening technique that emphasizes sustainability. I visited my host families in Okahandja the weekend before Reconnect, and was able to celebrate one of my host brother’s birthdays. The first person in my group, Group 37, left Peace Corps Namibia, and is back in the States. It made me really sad to see her go, but, after talking to her, I think she made the right choice. It is now the rainy season and it rains about two or three times a week. All the villagers are plowing their fields and getting ready to plant mahangu. Mahangu is a type of corn and is a staple crop in Namibia.

 

 

 

 

Received a nice crack on the head from smacking it into a window as I stood up.

I have been reading up a storm; I have read 38 books since I have been here, more than 15 of which have probably been read in the last two months. I have been watching 24, Big Bang Theory, and House. A friend from World Teach donated seven computers and a printer, scanner, copier, fax machine to my school. We are now in the process of getting approval from the Ministry of Education to remodel a room into a computer lab. It has gotten so hot at night now that I regularly sleep in my own sweat. The rain and wind has been so severe as to nearly rip the roof off of my hut several times. I went to a pageant in mid-November at my school. I have started playing computer games again (wish I had brought mine with me). I have started planning my international travel in Africa. Finally, I went to Ondangwa for a Peace Corps Thanksgiving weekend this last weekend with about 23 other PCVs and some of their friends. 

Group 34 Going-away Party

The Man, The Myth, The Legend-The Godfather of Kavango (Group 34 PCV)

Half of my Health Club

The Other Half of my Health Club

My family being lit by the cutting and burning of the field s to prepare for plowing.

One of my host sisters modeling a traditional Kwangali headpiece.

Me!