June 8th was the start of the current valley I am
experiencing right now. I became so accustomed to traveling, that coming back
to site was a big readjustment. Ever since then, it has been very difficult. I
had some good days here and there, but the majority of the days have been
rough. I don’t want to dismiss this hard time, but Peace Corps has done a lot
of research and they have a chart that shows the ups and downs of a PCVs
emotions. Mine seems to fit in. Despite this, it is still really difficult. At
this point, I am struggling with motivation, initiative, compassion, as well as
plain weariness. I got in a routine and it has been hard to be willing to
implement new projects due to not wanting to “rock the boat.” As for
compassion, when one sees so much suffering on a daily basis, it can
desensitize one and make one less compassionate. One really significant
challenge/stress is that my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer recently. He
had major surgery and has started chemotherapy. Finally, living away from
family, friends, as well as familiar foods, and most of all, one’s culture and
amenities, such as electricity, internet, running water, hot water, and general
comfort, has taken its toll. The positive side is that I value those things
much more. I know I just need to be refreshed, and then things will feel
better. Can you believe that during my free time here, one of the things I do
for fun is play around on Quicken, personal finance software, and figure out
how much I’ll have to pay in future taxes if I make certain amounts of money?!
I’m serious! Who looks forward to paying taxes? Me!
This valley is not like my last one in anyway. I haven’t
been depressed, but my thoughts have been under a pall. Negativity, in my
thoughts, has overcome joy and thanksgiving. Also, a sucker punch to add insult
to injury was when I lost my office. Some of my supervisor’s bosses came and
said my office needed to be used for something else. I really appreciated her
arguing with them and trying to fight for my office. However, she had to do
what her boss says. I need to explain that my office was more than a workplace;
it was where I had electricity and thus, where I could cook simple things to
eat. I also hung out in there a lot. Imagine losing your workplace, kitchen,
and hangout place, and that’s how it felt for me.
It was devastating for about one minute, but strangely, that
moment was when I felt God’s comfort the most. I calmly realized that God has a
reason for everything he does, and he would use this setback to his advantage.
For many PCVs, if they were in my shoes, this would be the last straw and they
would quit. But for myself, I have always relished challenges, and scoffed at
the idea of quitting because of a room, no matter how important it was. I was,
and am determined to continue all the way to the end.
This brings me to this week. Sunday, August 3, was the first
day I realized how bad my thought process and outlook was. I realized I needed
to focus on being thankful as well as just thinking positively in general. Ever
since then, I have felt really good. I hope that the nearly two month stretch
of my latest emotional valley is over, but we shall see.
To be continued in the final part next time...
To be continued in the final part next time...
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