Folded and Shaped into Something New

Romans 12:2- Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

This verse is one of the verses I am seeing in action in my life here in Namibia. I am definitely being tested every day. I am a slow learner when it comes to following God, but I am taking little steps here and there. For example, not 40 minutes ago, my key broke off in my door. My window became my only entry and exit point. 20 minutes later, my window locked…from the inside. I am officially locked out of my hut. I don’t have the right things for work…such as my shoes.

At first, I was just like “Oh, great! Another sucky thing to happen to me and put me in a bad mood.” However, as I was walking to the clinic, I thought to myself “C.J., why aren’t you thankful for everything else that God has done for you?” It may be an inconvenience and a hassle to figure out how to get the door open, but a locked door is nothing when thinking about the love that God has shown me. I still have my health, food, friends, family, etc. It’s this type of transformed thinking that has become more prevalent in the last month or so BECAUSE of the challenges.

I have changed a lot since I came to Namibia, and the change has not always been the most comfortable process. One of the biggest ways I have changed is in regard to friendships and meeting new people. Back in the States, I was always “that guy” who everyone knew. I was the guy who remembered everyone’s name. I bounced around to visit several different people a day. During the first days of each year in college, I would go out and meet around 100 people a day, and remember ALL of their names later. I would always choose to hang out with a huge crowd, or a big group of people.

I am not sure whether this part of me has changed or just adapted appropriately and is waiting for the right moment to pop up again. There have been a few times where I have seen myself act differently than I would have back in the states. There have been a few Peace Corps Volunteer get-togethers, where there were 10-30 PCVs. I was shocked to find how I didn’t enjoy myself as much as I usually do in a large group of people. There was a going away party for Group 34 at Guest House Bavaria in Rundu. Nearly 50 people showed up. We rented the house on the property. I found myself walking back and forth between the house and the pool area. I did this many times. I realized later that I was looking for something, and I feel that something was a place where I would feel the friendship that I miss. I ended up spending most of my time in the house with about five other people. I was happier there than with the huge crowd. We were supposed to spend the night there, but I realized that I wanted to hang out with my Rundu host family more than all of the people at the party. It is shocking, even to me that I ended up leaving the party, only telling a few people, and going back to my place. When I got to my family’s place, I felt good. Another example of how I have changed is I always used to stay at one of the Group 34’s places in Rundu. I started to live with a Namibian family when the new group came. I always thought I came to Rundu for the PCVs, but after the lodging switch, I realized I almost preferred to be by myself. Now, I only see PCVs in the PC office in passing.

All of this is to say that I am getting used to being alone, and I am changing because of it. I talked about it with one of my close friends here. I realized that this change freaked/freaks me out because it is taking me into unknown territory. I am not comfortable with the change. I was (am) worried that when I go back to the states, my old self won’t come back out. My friend had some amazing words to tell me. She said I seemed afraid of the unknown. She said “it’s scary because you have defined yourself by how many names you’ve memorized and how many ‘friends’ you have.” Back in the states, I felt I always had to entertain…if I am not as entertaining as I was, I have a fear that no one will be my friend.

Feeling like I have to entertain to have friends is a bad idea. I may not be comfortable with the changes, yet, but I realized that God has a plan. I came to this realization after the talk with my good friend. God is taking what I saw as my identity and transforming and renewing it into something better. I don’t know where it is leading, but the unknown is not scary to God at all. Some of this change is shown by how I don’t feel as hurt when I am not invited to things. A lot of the time I would rather be by myself. I still believe I am that same, enthusiastic, fun guy from back in the States, but I am more tempered and wise than I was before. Thanksgiving weekend was a good example of how I am still my old self. A new friend brought me out of my shell, and it was really encouraging to see myself actually enjoy meeting a new FRIEND, not just an acquaintance.  

Another way I have changed for the better is that I don’t care what people think about me as much anymore. I have had to grow a thick skin. I was criticized so much for different character traits in my first several months of PC Service that I found myself depressed and soul searching what was wrong with me. It wasn’t fun, but I finally came to realize that not everyone in the world will be your friend (which I once thought was possible). I am okay with people not liking me. The only way I will change something now is if God reveals it to me. This new change is good and a little worrying too. It is good because I don’t get depressed anymore because of a negative comment or judgment someone made. It is bad because I feel the change is a partial defense mechanism to not get hurt.

There are many more ways that I have changed, such as appreciating things I never was appreciative of before (electricity, a car, knowing cultural norms). I have the ability and maturity to travel in Namibia, in the middle of nowhere, and know how to handle myself. I can make work for myself when there is nothing to do (this is still one of the hardest things to do). All of these changes show how God has been testing me, and transforming my mind and soul into something new. Although it is difficult, I am deeply thankful for the growth I am going through. 

Anyways, here are some pictures of Rundu.