In my last post, I said the true reason behind my
inactivity on this blog is because I have just not felt like writing. I think
my lack of interest in writing is connected to the emotions I have been feeling
in the last few months, which is the subject of this post. There is a thing
called the “Peace Corps Roller Coaster.” I will refer to it as the PCRC. The
PCRC is the emotional journey of a Peace Corps Volunteer. The PCRC illustrates
the high points and low points of Peace Corps Service. Currently, and for a few
months before this, I have been on a low point. It took me awhile to realize
that I was on the downslope of the PCRC. I think it started a week or two
before Reconnect, in mid-October. Since that time, I have experienced several
different emotions. The first and most prominent feeling has been that I just
“exist” here. What I mean by just “existing” is that it is very rare that
anything exciting happens or that I am excited for anything. I may look forward
to something, but looking forward means I will be happy when the time comes. It
doesn’t mean it will be super exciting when it happens, whether it’s a vacation
or an event or something. Vacations and things that would normally get people
excited are just distractions from my real life.
It is almost always the same routine every day of the
week. I go to work to take weight and temperatures; go back to my office; prep
for clubs; then go to my two clubs I have in the week (I have other random
projects that change). One of the problems is I do not have the passion that I
want for my projects. I have struggled with passion for a long time, not just
in Peace Corps. I am trying things out to find what I like, but I have not
found it here…yet. Every day, I just want to get to the end of it, just so the
next day can end and I can go to town or another place, which is something I
look forward to. The daily thing I like is going home and sitting and reading outside
my hut, when it is not as hot outside as it is in the day. However, daily life
comes with WAY more challenges than things that make me feel alive or as if I
am thriving.
I felt I was thriving nearly every day in the States for
several years of my life. Granted, I was not into the real “work” part of my
career, as I had just graduated from my Master’s Degree program six months
before I came to Namibia. I lived with my parents for those six months. Most
days seemed to have something to look forward to, whether it was a class I was
really excited to have; an event that I was going to; the college service at
church; hanging with friends; going on an adventure; meeting new people;
working out; playing computer games online; learning a new song on the guitar;
hanging with my family; or enjoying a tasty meal. I could do a few of those
things here, but it does not feel the same in any way, shape, or form.
Because of how things are, I feel I just exist here.
Going even further, I feel that I am just surviving.
Life is good overall, but challenging (don’t assume that “good overall”
always means fun, exciting, or easy). However, daily life consumes so much energy, which lets one’s body get
stressed easily. It takes so much energy to just get through the day. Some of
the ways life is “hard” are as follows: being several thousand kilometers away
from the US and my friends and family; eating unfamiliar foods; living in a
hut; not having electricity, running water, a shower, a flush toilet, a
comfortable bed, internet, etc.; dealing with a polar opposite work ethic from
the States; not having resources or supplies to do projects; cultural
misunderstandings; having to wait for hours to get transport while it pours
rain on you and your hiking backpack; and much more. Because of all these
challenges I feel I just push through, endure every day, and believe I will
survive. It seems more of a long, grueling race and the only focus is to
finish.
Another topic that is connected to my survival thoughts
is the issue of friendship. Peace Corps has been a huge growing experience for
me and, as I mentioned, offers many challenges. I have changed a lot. I do not
automatically classify everyone as my friend anymore. I used to classify
someone as my friend after one meeting. Now it is more about the feelings and
bonds I have with someone. At this time in my service, I feel I have a TINY
number of friends. To make matters more difficult, I see the tiny number of
friends every few months or less. I think I have only been truly lonely two
times in my life. The first time was when I was little and we moved from
Chicago to my parent’s current home in California. The other time is now. One
of the reasons that I have very few friends is because of how different
everyone in the Peace Corps is. We may share some common values or
characteristics, but, after that, there is a myriad of different world perspectives.
For example, in my group, the three younger guys could not be much more
different. There is low-income, middle-income, and high-income. There is
Christian, Jewish, and Buddhist (along with a few others). There is a rough and
tumble guy who grew up on the tough streets and managed to stay out of trouble.
Another is a privileged, ambitious guy who grew up in a very nice neighborhood.
The last is a guy whose Father was a Pastor and who always followed the rules.
The three guys are all from different political beliefs: Republican, Moderate,
and Democrat.
Diversity is great, and I think it is important to have a
diverse group of friends. However, diversity does NOT mean you will automatically
“click” with someone and become friends. This is the case for me here. In fact,
it is not just the case for me, but the case for many other PCVs whom I have
discussed this issue with. For example, I love movie nights, game nights, and
long conversations. I love encouraging people and making them feel special. I
am not into having sex, drinking heavily, etc. Fyi, this is not a judgment; I
am just showing how I enjoy different things from other PCVs. From what I hear
from other people about Peace Corps worldwide, one of the main things that PCVs
do together is drink. I still enjoy hanging around my PCV friends at the
get-togethers, but if I were to have the choice, I’d choose a game night with
good food or random adventures over a party. Also, there is that special “X”
factor that can make you “click” with someone, but you don’t know what it is.
For example, I have friends back home who are into things that I don’t do or
think are right, but I click with them so well! I could use some more of those
friendships here.
This Thanksgiving weekend made me realize how much I miss
friendships like I had in the states. I had a good time with all the PCVS, but
there was one person who I clicked with, in particular, and the person made my
weekend amazing. I felt my old self coming back and getting excited about
meeting people and making new friends again. Although making this new friend
made me realize how lonely I am, I think that God used it as a way to give me
encouragement, hope, and belief that He will provide the right friends in the
future for me. It is really interesting how much seemingly small, spontaneous
occurrences can have so much of an impact.
Finally, the last issue that has contributed to me
feeling that I am just existing/surviving here is that I am homesick. For the
longest time I did not want to admit it, but finally I realized that homesickness
just looks different than I thought it would. I had the belief that it was a
weakness. I do not have that belief anymore; I just do not like being homesick.
It would definitely be nice if my family could come visit, but that won’t
happen unless God works a miracle (which I know he could).
One thing that is helping me get through this period is
that these feelings are pretty common for Peace Corps Volunteers. This low
point on the Peace Corps Roller Coaster is expected, but does not last forever.
I believe this is true and look forward to reaching the top of the roller
coaster.
In summary of the aforementioned writing, I am not used
to just “existing” or “surviving,” and it is proving a big challenge. This post
may sound like a less than positive one, but it is what it is. I can’t change
how I’m feeling and I want to give an accurate depiction of how I am currently
feeling in my Peace Corps Service. Honestly, overall, I AM very thankful I am here.
I didn’t come here for an easy time. I came here for an experience which I knew
would challenge me more than ever before. I grow through challenge much faster
than I do in the good times. My most important goal in coming here was to grow.
I am even THANKFUL for the challenges. Seriously, I have said several times
recently that I am thankful to God for the challenges. He also has left me with
many other things to be thankful for. I have food, shelter, good health,
intelligence, amazing family and friends, wonderful opportunities to have new
experiences, prospects, the ability to help others, freedom from past struggles,
etc. Another thing that these challenges have done for me is made me more
empathetic with the majority of the people in the world who have to fight for
survival every day. I am NOT saying I know what their survival is like in
having to fight for food, safety, health, etc. I have more of a new perspective
about emotional survival. I can understand how people, who have no prospects of
a job or a better life, would engage in risky behavior. This lesson of empathy
is something I would not have understood more if I had stayed in the
comfortable, relatively easy life of a typical American. I appreciate the small
things much more.
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